Saturday, March 30, 2013

A Roller Coaster Ride!

I emailed back and forth a few times with Joe at Liftbridge Bookstore yesterday.  A great guy by the way who I'm proud to be working with.

As I explained yesterday, a woman went into the Liftbridge on Thursday, yelling and demanding that my book be removed from the display window and the shelves.  She said her name was Jane Lavell and she was suing for slander.  I'm not aware of any way one can sue a bookstore because of the books they stock, so I guess she intends to sue me.  Apparently, "Jane" didn't read the page warning page that explained some characters were fictional and some events had been fictionalized.

This is a good time to point out that I'm not aware of a Jane Lavell.  Curious, yes?

While I'm pleased to see my book getting attention and causing a stir (that's one reason writers write), it wasn't my intent to hurt anyone's feelings.  It's a book.  It's nothing more.  Take a chill pill, pour a glass of wine and relax.  If the book offends you, I have the perfect solution: Don't read it!  Wasn't that simple!

Kudos to the owners and staff of the Liftbridge for their continued support!  They are NOT going to remove the book from their window display NOR are they going to remove it from their shelves.  They're a bunch of badasses that way.  It gets better...they won't back down and we're still planning an Author's Afternoon at the store on Saturday, April 13th from 2-4pm!

They've generously given me permission to serve some homemade goodies as well as vino.  Oh yeah, vino, baby.  Please come out and show a local business how much we value them and appreciate their support!

I hope this second attempt to ban my book will light a fire under the butts of everyone in BrockVegas and send them running to the Liftbridge to buy my book as show of support!!

Friday, March 29, 2013

Book Banning; The Highest Form of Flattery

If there are people doing all they can to remove my book from the shelves of my hometown bookstore, then I should feel honored, right?  I mean, it must have really stirred some shit to make people do whatever they can to keep it from getting into the hands of others.  Instead of feeling angry and cheated, I feel like I've achieved something pretty fantastic.  I don't think that's the reaction they (he/she) hoped for and I'm not sorry to disappoint.

Let's start a discussion....who could hate this book so much that they would 1) call the Liftbridge (my hometown bookstore) and demand it be removed from the shelves, and 2) after being told to piss up a rope, allegedly buying all of the books in stock to prevent them from being read?

Those of you who've read the book, please leave a comment about who you think could be responsible.  Consider it nothing more than a game.  It'll stay between us and rest assured, the person(s) responsible are most likely unaware of this blog or they'd have found a way to shut it down!

Power to the people!

Okay, I know that didn't really apply but I've always wanted to say it.  It sort of applies though, because I have a right to publish whatever I want to publish.  In the same manner that people have the right to marry whomever they love, no one has the right to tell me I can't tell a story.  If that story makes them uncomfortable or angry, then perhaps they should find something else to read.

Come on!  Let's start this game.

Monday, March 25, 2013


I joined a website hosted by an independent author who created his site to help other indie authors share and market their work.  It's a great place to discover great books by authors like me who self-published and are struggling to get their book out there.  It's called INDIETRIBE.

Imagine if you will, my surprise when I received an email telling me my book was in the top ten "most popular" books that week.  It may not seem like much to you, but let me assure you, it rocked my world.  Out of the thousands of books on that site, mine was in the top ten!!   (In fact, it was number ten!)  That's enough to make my fat ass do flips.

What does that mean, you ask?  Well, stop interrupting and let me finish.

It's based on the number of clicks each book receives.  When someone clicks on a book, they're redirected to Amazon, where they can buy it.  The clicks are added up and the top ten list is developed.  Clearly, not every click results in a sale or I'd be even harder to live with than I am right now.

Here's the link to the site's top ten:

Raise a glass and cheers me!!  I'm celebrating.

Friday, March 22, 2013

On A Roll

I had another profitable evening last night and I'm not talking in terms of sales, although there were some of those, too.

I had a booth at the 3rd Thursday Walkabout, sponsored by the Morada Way Arts & Cultural District.  It's a monthly event for locals and tourists to wander a couple blocks of our island's art district and check out what local craftsmen/artists/authors are working on.  There's live music and the wine flows freely and by that I mean, the wine is free.  Do I have your attention yet?

This was my second time as an "artist" and I made some great connections, which I think are just as important as sales.  For three hours, I talked and laughed with people - most of whom I'd never met - about all kinds of crap.  It's a great way to connect with people who have an appreciation for all forms of art.

Listening to other authors made me realize how lucky my experience has been thus far.  Yet, in spite of two great nights with fabulous responses and unprecedented sales, I want more!  Does that make me a selfish asshole or just driven to see this thing to the moon?  Hopefully, the latter.  I'm an asshole for so many other reasons, I'd like to think this isn't one of them.

Oh, the best part: several people who'd seen or heard Wed night's live radio show were disappointed I wasn't wearing my habit.  Mark your calendars!  This nun will be at April's 3rd Thursday in full battle gear!

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Confession Worthy

Last night's radio interview and book signing at the World Famous Tiki Bar at The Postcard Inn - which we will forever know as Holiday Isle - was so much fun it was confession-worthy.

The fun began when I schlepped into the seaside, outdoor, dumpy bar in a full nun's habit.  I received some strange looks and interesting stares.  I pretended not to notice and went about finding Joey Naples, the radio host, while Dougie ordered drinks.  As soon as he handed me a draft beer, a man came up with a camera and asked if I would pose for a picture with him.

"Of course, my son," I replied.

He led me across the bar where his adorable, scantily-clad girlfriend was waiting, camera in hand.  They had French accents, so as we posed, I said, "fromage" instead of cheese.  Well, let me tell you.  Mr. Picture-Wanter began rattling French off so quickly it set my habit askew.  I told him (in French) that I only spoke a little bit and asked him to slow down.  Um, yeah.  All that did was set his hormones into overdrive because he grabbed me from the side and thrust his nether regions against me and licked my neck while his girlfriend videotaped it on her cell.

"I think I need to go to Confession after that," I said, shaking his hand and walking quickly back to where Doug stood with look that was either irritation or confusion, I'm not sure which.  I didn't ask.  I threw back my $1 draft and asked for another.

It continued from there.  All in good fun!  Lots of neighbors showed up and a former restaurant GM-turned friend came by on his way back from Key West.  It made me feel good to have such tremendous support from people.  I posed for so many pictures I felt like a celebrity.  We all know I'm not, but that's what it felt like.  Even the band pulled me up on stage for a pic...I almost started dirty dancing in my habit but the look on Doug's face was like one that a Mother Superior probably wears, so I decided to keep my habit hanging to the floor, the way God intended.

The interview was fun and Joey Naples made me laugh as always.  I signed a lot more books than I expected and even traded a book for an original painting by a local artist.  Very cool!

I'm proud to have met so many fun people who appreciate a beer-drinking, habit-wearing nun who swears like a sailor.  .  . and the fact that God didn't strike me down with a lightening bolt proves He has a sense of humor much like my own.  I am a lucky girl.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Taking Things Too Far

Tonight is my interview on Joey Naples' live radio show broadcast from The Postcard Inn at MM84 in Islamorada.  I'm doing a book signing after the interview and am pretty stoked about the whole bloody thing.  First off, Mr. Naples is a pretty funny guy who has some interesting Catholic school stories of his own.  Secondly, it's a great opportunity to promote my book and get my name out there.  Last but not least, it's the first time I get to wear my new habit in public.  This is where the title of the post comes into play.

Dougie Fresh (my husband for those of you who may not know the very serious Walter D.), was helping me with the head gear yesterday afternoon.  I was giving it a test drive and couldn't manage the veil on my own.  I was pretty damn excited about how great it looks.  Here's how it went:

Me:  "Isn't this thing great?!?!"

DougieFresh:  "Mmhm."

Me:  "What?  That's it?!?  This thing is awesome."  I may put my hands in the prayer position and given him my most holy of looks.

DougieFresh:  "Yeah, I guess."

Me:  "Huh?  Don't you like it?  I $%(#ing love it!"

DougieFresh:  "If you wanna know the truth, I think you're taking it a bit too far, but do what you want."

Can you say buzz-kill?

I went into our daughter's room wearing my habit, sure she'd laugh and offer her full support.  She looked me over from head to toe and said, "I don't let religious people in my room," and then looked the other way.

Guess what?  I'm wearing my habit anyway.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013


Now that "Confessions of a Catholic School Dropout" is available in paperback and all e-reader formats (bloody hell, that makes me proud), I have an author page on Smashwords where people can find out about the book, read a sample and then make a purchase if they like what they see.

Here's a link for those with nothing better to do:

I welcome your feedback and hope you enjoy the book!  Please help me spread the word...share my blog with your friends...or better yet, share it with people you don't like.  Serves 'em right.

Monday, March 18, 2013

Get There However You Can!

This Wednesday night, I'll be joining that one-of-a-kind host, Joey Naples for an interview on his live radio show broadcast from the Post Card Inn - or Holiday Isle as it will be forever known to me.  I'll sign books while we talk about "Confessions" and the similarities of our youth.

Joey is 100% Italian and the poor guy was raised Catholic, but he's a nice guy nonetheless.  He has as many nun stories as I do and its a lot of fun to hear him talk about his Catholic school days.

Come join us around 6pm.  I'll be the one in the full habit, complete with head gear...assuming I figure out how to put it on between now and then...the damn thing is complicated and didn't come with instructions.

Hope to see you there for some great drink specials and Joey's also got some great prizes to give away.  I've no idea where he gets them...if he wasn't a good Catholic boy, I'd suspect him of a five-finger discount, but not Joey.  He's a good boy.

Hop on your tricycle and get your arse down there Wednesday night or there'll be hell to pay!

Friday, March 8, 2013

Slap Yo Momma!

Finally!  Twelve days after it was supposed to actually did.

"Confessions of a Catholic School Dropout" is now available on the Nook, Palm Pilot, Sony and every other e-reader format available to mankind.  You can even download a PDF file to read on your laptop!

Wow.  What an accomplishment.  I'm so damn excited, I bought it on my Nook....kinda dumb, right?  I wrote the damn thing but I bought it anyway.  Perhaps I should seek professional help.  Nah, why start now. I've done way crazier things without seeking help.

Speaking of which, my new habit arrived last night.  This is the real deal, not some crappy cheap thing from a costume store.  There are so many pieces and layers that I felt like an onion when I finally got myself assembled.  It took me over an hour to figure the damn thing out because it didn't come with instructions.  I guess the manufacturers figure they're selling the damn things to chicks who know how to wear them.

Anyway, I finally got it on.  Doug was doing the grocery shopping (isn't that nice?) and Lauren was at a friend's house, so I wandered around with a glass of wine, scaring Boozer.  He didn't like my habit one bit and eyed me suspiciously until I took it off.  But there I was, in full habit, walking around with a glass of Malbec when Doug walks in.

Um....let's just say it was weird.

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

How Have I Wronged Thee, Nook?

I don't know when or how it happened, but at some point along the way I seriously pissed off the Nook Gods.  Here we are, ten days after my book was supposed to become available on the Nook and .... no.  You cannot purchase "Confessions" on your Nook.  At least I can't do it on mine and I'm betting mine is not the only "Confessions"-challenged Nook out there.

Barnes & Noble (the Nook's Parents) are playing dumb.  They smile and tell me my book is available in paperback, which is lovely and reason to celebrate, but when I ask about the Nook version, they tell me they've requested that the author make it available in an e-reader form and are waiting for that author to comply.

That's when I bang my head against the wall and explain that I am the freaking author and I've uploaded the freaking file and it's freaking passed all of the content/formatting reviews and I'm just waiting for them to upload it to their freaking website.  They smile and tell me my book is available in paperback.

Can you say vicious cycle?  Can you say conspiracy?  Can you say "More Rum!"

Saturday, March 2, 2013

Is This A Bad Habit?

The owners of the Liftbridge Bookstore in my hometown of Brockport, NY, have generously invited me for a book signing in April.  I'm thrilled to be given the opportunity and hope it's still snowing when April rolls around.  (That probably just cost me some sales by those who still live there.  They get touchy about snow in April.)

I've pretty much convinced myself to wear my full habit for the book signing but every once in awhile I ask myself if that's a wise decision.  I mean, I want people to take me seriously, right?  I want to be considered a professional, right?  I'm serious about writing and want people to know that, right?  Then I remember I'm Patti Lavell and realize the habit is the only way to go.  Come on.

The book is about humor.  I'm not trying to become a expert on some serious topic, for Christ's sake.  I wrote a book to make people laugh and wearing a habit is simply further proof that I endorse the belly laugh.  If there's anyone there who thinks it unprofessional or disrespectful, they can walk two blocks south down Main Street to Nativity of the Blessed Virgin Mary and light a candle for my soul.

Personally, I think God will get a chuckle out of it.  He's read the book and smiled favorably on my friends and I as we tasted our way through NY's wine country, donned as Sisters from the Order of Constant Flatulence.  I'm sure he'll approve when I continue the bad habit at April's book signing.